Midwest Pimps Midseason Reviews

Midseason review- Midwest Pimps Fantasy Baseball League

Friday, September 15, 2006

Setting the Odds:

Alright, alright, so I was way off in a lot of my All-star break predictions, but at the time, things were so even, it was a crapshoot… Ed just passed Trotter into the depths of 11th place, Hoops will most definitely not make top 5, and Jon Heupel is currently (!) in first place. I did not foresee any of this. But that certainly won’t stop me from making any further predictions. Here then are my odds for who will win the Midwest Pimps Championship with about 2 weeks left in the season.

Shizzy: 1000: 1 – Not a chance.

Cliff Lewton AKA Wheatland NWA: 100: 1 – Very Unlikely
-With Cliff’s big 3 of Roy Halladay, Curt Schilling, and Andy Pettitte all out with injuries, his pitching staff is being held together with kite string and paper mache right now. Derek Lowe, Brad Penny will have come up with some CGSO’s for Cliff to have a remote chance.

Tim AKA Waivers: 25:1 – Probably not.

A couple months ago, Tim looked like the favorite but his pitching staff, besides Jered Weaver hasn’t done a whole lot in the second half. The Rocket can’t get any run support again, Jason Schmidt is hurting again, and Josh Beckett mysteriously sucks. Tim’s offense is good, but with David Ortiz in pout mode, it’s not likely to pick it up much more.

Brian Miller AKA Miller’s Thrillers: 5:1 Ehh, possibly.

It hasn’t been the best of weeks for Miller’s Thrillers, whose inability to switch his lineup a few nights ago cost him at least 100 points, and maybe the championship. His final hope probably was gone after Liriano grabbed his elbow after 2 1/3 innings on Wednesday. As it is, Miller’s pitching has still been hot, and his young gun offense is smoking with Jose Reyes, Carl Crawford and crew (Robinson Cano has been out of his mind lately also), so I can’t completely rule Miller out.

Ryan Lutz AKA Lil Bastards- 2:1 Pretty decent chance.

If Lutz wins the championship, it will because of his prolific offense carried by Pujols, Nomar, Vernon Wells and crew. With the Cardinals still in must win mode, I’m literally frightened of what Pujols is capable of from here on out. The second reason Lutz could win is because of Oswalt, who is about the only player performing for the Astros right now. Bonderman, Zito and Brett Myers have been up and down, we’ll see how they do in the final two weeks.

Jon Heupel AKA In Dusty We Trusty- 1:2 Very good chance.
Speaking of scary, Heupel’s pitching has averaged somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 points a game in the past week and a half and has launched him to the top spot faster than you can say Anibal Sanchez. His old school slugger crew of Barry Bonds and Frank Thomas have also been on fire. If Heupel wasn’t out of relief games, I’d hand him the title right now, but as it is..it’s going to be very close. Could he pull off the greatest comeback in Midwest Pimps history?*
(*Not hyperbole as is usually the case. I swear.)

Ryan Smith AKA Dr. D. - 1:3 Favorite.
Yeah, I know. I’m picking me again. But if you look at the averages, they play out in my favor. And I have Cy Johan. If Manny and Papelbon and the rest of my Red Sox posse hadn’t have been destroyed in one foul swoop, it might be a more certain win. I’ll toss out a number and say I beat Heupel by 20 points on the last day and Lutz by 50.

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 3:33 PM

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Note: Yes, I know these are very late. And I wrote some of them 3 weeks ago, and they are outdated. But, c'mon, let's focus on the positives here!

Team Miller’s Thrillers – Brian Miller

Like Shizzy, it was good to see one of the old schoolers breakthrough for the first time. We’d teased Miller for years about his fetish for young sleeper type picks in the draft, but finally the six-year plan worked and Miller launched his way into the top two. A misunderstood genius like Galileo, Miller’s fantasy sports life work is now vindicated! Or is it? The question remains…was Miller a one year wonder or is his devious plan of baseball domination still unfolding? The answer is somewhere in between. Maybe there could be a slow-moving quasi-historical movie about Miller's fantasy strategy...

In this trailer from "The Miller Code," Tom Hanks inspects Miller's fantasy guide and finds the secret 21 and under section, while his girlfriend looks in disgust when she realizes it actually has to do with fantasy baseball.

Offense: Miller’s no man under 30 strategy has worked in the case of Carl Crawford (3.7) who has a great working-class sounding baseball name and in speedy Jose Reyes (3.9) who briefly was the #1 fantasy player in offense before Pujols came back from injury. But besides Miguel Cabrera, the rest are a mixed bag of mostly 2.8 or 2.9 guys. I don’t think anyone has figured out what is wrong with Mark Texiera, most predicted him to hit about a billion home runs this year. Grade: B (Bonus points for having Michael Barrett who punched A.J. in the face during the Cubs biggest highlight of the year. Which is pretty sad.)

OWNED.

Starting Pitching: With Jake Peavy struggling (some have compared him to Mark Prior in more ways than one) it’s almost a one man show with Francisco Liriano. But the secondary savior to Miller recently has been Erik Bedard, who went on a crazy seven game winning streak very soon after I dropped him because his ERA had skyrocketed to almost 6. Unbelievable. Grade: C+

Relief Pitching: Bobby Jenks dominated early but has gotten hit around a bit. The Nationals have been too terrible to give Cordero the kind of save opportunities he had last year. Grade: B-

Intangibles: With five plus years of fantasy experience under his belt, Miller knows what he’s doing by now. Grade: B

Second half prognosis: 6^th Place

Team Randy Johnson – Ed Courtney

Ed is scary right now and here’s why- He always finishes in the top 5, but yet usually spends his summers in the isolated 56K world of the mountains of Colorado where he is usually busy climbing mountains, eating granola, running marathons and finding his inner child. Well, more like watching a lot of DVD’s, but the point is, he has a lot more time to spend with a precious broadband connection this summer.

Offense: The best in the league, and led by a semi-unlikely trio in Travis Hafner, Jason Giambi, and Lance Berkman – three big white dudes who either play DH or probably should. I’m curious as to if Ed has had Berkman logner than any team has had one offensive player. The only one I can think of off-hand is Shizzy with Vlad Guerrero. It’s still hard to believe this Jason Giambi thing, I drafted him last year and he hit like .200, got internal parasites, cancer, beat up by Jason Giambi, and was about as good a hitter as Buster Bluth ala Arrested Development. Then suddenly he comes back last August and dominates. Did he go to a faith healer? Was he faking? Did Billy Beane get rid of his Giambi voodoo doll? The world may never know. Grade: A

Giambi, in his SoCal days, after he killed one of Phil Simms' kids with his bare hands in a fit of 'roid rage and stole one of his T-Shirts.

Starting Pitching: We knew Pedro was due for some sort of injury or wear and tear at some point. He’s older, has an injury history and he’s just not a big guy. But it’s unfortunate for him that the only other ace in his sleeve is Scott Kazmir…. I like Nate Robertson’s crazy glasses look, he’s sort of a poor man’s Gagne, but he’s not a great #3 option in a rotation. Grade: C-

Relief Pitching: After cycling through Daenys Baez, Jose Valverde, and Royals, yes Royals closer Burgos, all Ed has left on his team is a mediocre Armando Benitez. Grade: D

Intangibles: Ed spent a lot of time earlier this year proving his steady performance in the top 5 in the league. There’s no reason to think that will stop anytime soon. Grade: A

Second Half Prognosis: Fifth Place. The key to this is Pedro. If Pedro gets healthy and returns to form, I could see Ed potentially being a top 3 candidate. If he sucks the rest of the way, I could see Ed falling to 7^th or 8^th place. Since I’m not sure which one will occur, I’ll go the safe route and pick somewhere in between.

Team All The Hoopla – Brandon Hoops

This is the look Hoops wore when he drafted Mike McDougal in the baseball draft.

Hoops and I have the common bonds of living together for a summer, being Illinois natives, Cubs and Bears fans and journalists, but unfortunately this connection hasn’t resulted in a trade between us…But believe me, I’ve tried (and I’m guessing so has Lutz).

Offense: Poor D-Lee. It feels like years since his MVP type season last year already. Luckily, even with Lee struggling after coming back from a broken wrist (2.4), Hoops has gotten numbers from some unlikely sources like Michael Cuddyer (2.8), Nick Johnson (3.4), the rejuvenated Edgar Renteria, and Raul Ibanez (3.3), who hasn’t had a great season since his breakout year in 2001 or ’02. We’ll see if this group can keep putting up these numbers down the stretch though, I remain skeptical. Grade: B

Starting Pitching: I applied to be a fantasy writer for the St. Louis Post Dispatch at the beginning of the year…and they asked me to submit a couple of sleepers…Here’s one of the two I wrote:

John Lackey (SP-Angels)

Overshadowed by Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon, John Lackey had a quiet breakout year in 2005, finally fulfilling the promise of his stellar 2002 rookie season. The big 6-foot-6 right-hander may have finished with 14 wins, as many as he won in 2004, but he improved in almost every category, most notably, ERA, home runs allowed, and strikeouts. Still at only 27-years old, Lackey is capable of putting up an even better season in 2006, and he should come cheaper to you than many pitching aces.

So when Lackey struggled at the beginning of the season, I tried really hard to get him. I mean REALLY hard. As in about 15 trade offers from April to June. But Hoops didn’t budge, and ultimately was the benefactor of Lackey’s recent 30 inning scoreless streak. And yes, I’m very upset….Aaron Harang(19.4), who Hoops fiercely defended on the Rumor Mill last month has been a pleasant surprise, as has Ervin Santana (16.6). Joe Blanton has been pretty terrible though, and Hoops doesn’t have much beyond that. Grade: B

Relief Pitching: Inexplicably, Hoops is carrying a stable of five, count ‘em FIVE relief pitchers on his team right now. I’m not sure if it’s because he think he’s got a real baseball team and needs just five SP and several relievers or what. Nathan is a stud, but Hoops also has Guardardo, Jorge Julio, Mike McDougal and Brian Meadows. Sounds like Big Brother: Relief Pitcher Edition. Grade: C

Intangibles: Strong rookie of the year candidate, (or is it Young Pimp of the Year?) He’s active, made some good draft picks, and he has the sweetest jump shot of anyone at the Rock. But is it enough? Grade: B

Second Half Prognosis: Fourth Place. The answer is no.

Team Screwed Inc. Ryan Lutz

I got this picture when I typed "Ryan Lutz" into Google Images. I like it because I think this is like Lutz and his girlfriend Brooke when they found out Nomar went on the D.L.

Still the hardest working man in fantasy sports four years running…Someday I’d like to go back and consult with others and compile a Top 10 most ludicrous Lutz trade offers ever and have David Letterman read them off. To Lutz’s credit, he does offer a decent trade once in awhile, but by now all of us save Trotter are instantly suspicious whenever we get an offer from him. (If Lutz was a fable, he’d be The Boy Who Cried Randy Wolf For A-Rod).
You also may by now think Lutz would be subject to the Girlfriend/Wife rule by now, but then again, this is a guy who made a domestic violence joke in the rumor mill.

Offense: Usually, it’s just Pujols and Posse for Lutz, but this year he lucked out getting the first pick and grabbed #1 3^rd baseman David Wright (3.5), the Comeback Kid Vernon Wells (4.0), The Comeback Older Guy Nomar (3.9), the Irrepressible Ichiro, and others. But what comes up, must come down, and I don’t see Lutz keeping up this pace. Grade: B+

Starting Pitching: Lutz’s offense may have peaked, but I think his starters will be better down the stretch. Oswalt is due for a big second half, reports say he is pissed that the Astros almost traded him for Tejada, (He was pissed enough when he found out who he got traded for by Trotter last year)… You could argue by the way, that Mel Gibson caught more flak for making unfortunate anti-Semite remarks than Brett Myers did for beating up his wife in public. Maybe Mel could make “The Brett Myers Story” for his next movie. Unlike Brett Myers and Mel, Barry Zito’s persona is chilled out, Zen-like, So-Cal nonconformist….How come no one tells me things like Barry Zito and Chris Isaak once played a duet together. I'm always the last to know.

It’s worth mentioning that Lutz plans on keeping Bonderman and Oswalt next season..two guys he got from Trotter for Jody Gerut, Scott Podsednik, and Nick Johnson…I will now kill myself. Grade: B

Relief Pitching: Combine Billy Wagner and Bob Wickman together and you have “Billy Bob Wagman”, which would be a good name for a train robber in Silver Dollar City. It’s thoughts like this that remind me why I’m single. Grade: B-

Intangibles: Combine his Puritan-like work ethic with the Trotter Factor, and you have yourself an A.

Second Half Prognosis: Third Place, (though Lutz will probably try to intentionally tank so he can grab third place).

Team: Dr. D – Ryan Smith

Ed insisted I use this pic circa 1997 of myself...when I was just a young, long-haired spelunker.

Personally, it’s been an odd year for fantasy just because I was physically unable to attend a draft for the first time, (For the record, I would advice everyone to avoid drafting while you’re riding on a bus with only a vague idea of where your stop is. It caused me to draft Daniel Cabrera waaaay too soon. Plus I felt like one of those idiot business guys yelling “Who was just taken?!” in public.)

And if I have a (weak) defense for my drafting of Gagne and Furcal #1 and #2 rounds of the draft, it is thus:

I’d been in L.A. for about a month, so I was in full “I Need to Do L.A. Things!” mode so I picked the local guys. For the record, I also regret my other “L.A. experiences” like joining a Mexican street gang, getting slapped by a Scientologist in Hollywood, and getting a tattoo of former Dodgers G.M. Paul Podesta on my ass.
For the first two rounds, I was officially on the clock at work, and my desk and monitor faced the office of the head of Human Resources, so I was in full “If I hear a sound from behind me, I have to quickly minimize Sandbox and bring up a window that looks like legit work mode.” MLB.com has an incredible “Boss Button” that if you click, brings up a Word document that looks very official. Looking back, since my old job owes me about two grand, I should of spent that entire day on Rotoworld.
I have a soft spot in my heart for Furcal, who like me spent the entire summer of 1999 in Myrtle Beach, S.C., and both moved out to Los Angeles this year, and Gagne who may or may not have taken steroids while being able to pitch 1 billion MPH on every pitch for 3 years.
Whatever.

Offense: My offense is sort of like the Memphis Grizzlies, I have a lot of average to above average pieces, which has been good for injury protection, but I’ve definitely been guilty of overmanaging my offense…swapping different people in when they “feel” hot and it’s backfired way more than it’s paid off. I see Manny having a big half, Brian Roberts, the most underrated second baseman in baseball continuing to do well, and a lot of question marks.

On a side note, I could see Manny doing literally almost anything during the All-Star Break, from having a naked motorcycle race in Pittsburgh with Ben Roethlisberger to smoking weed and playing Tony Hawk on Xbox for 48 hours straight (which is what I did at work minus the weed part) I’m willing to believe just about anything. Rating: B

Starting Pitching: The game Johan pitched against the Red Sox in June was incredible….he struck out the first five batters he faced, had 8K’s after three innings, and finished with 14 in seven amazing innings versus one of the best offenses in the league. Even though he didn’t have a stellar July, the love affair continues….I’d never had anyone like Conteras, who had tons of luck to stay undefeated as long as he did. But now that it’s been broken, we’ll see how he pitches the rest of the season. On a side note, does Conteras pitch better or worse now that Castro handed over the reins to his presidency? I could see it both ways….If you’ve watched King Felix his stuff is amazing – his fastball goes 98/99 MPH with movement, but right now he’s mediocre. The kid’s only 20 though, so give him some time, he also has to share a nickname with LeBron James….Pitching line of the year from Daniel Cabrera during a game I started him: 1 hit, 1 ER, 10 K’s, 9 BB’s, 5 IP. That’s being unhittable in a bad way. Grade: B-

Relief Pitching: I’d argue that I had the best first half of relief pitching in the history of our league. (And you could argue that Papelbon’s been the best instant impact waiver wire pickup ever). Unfortunately B.J. Ryan has sucked since the break, but still…the Dynamic Duo of B.J. and the Pap both were sub 1.00 ERA and WHIP, lots of K’s and only 3 blown saves in the first half. At one point they were #2 and #3 pitchers overall in the league. Grade: A

Intangibles: I get downgraded just for living in L.A. It just feels like the right thing to do. Grade: B

Second Half Prognosis: Second Place. In normal circumstances, I’d pick myself first…but I thought I’d be cool to play the “No one respected our team!” card once I win the championship this season….even if it was myself that didn’t respect me. Yeah, I know, confusing.

That would make first place…. TIM ALEXANDER!

Just because.

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 11:29 PM

Friday, July 21, 2006

Midwest Pimps Midseason Analysis 2K6 PART II (6th - 9th place)

The Original Midwest Pimps circa 2000. Holla back.

Team Wheatland WNBA- Cliff Lewton

Cliff's got...um... a long ladder to climb in fantasy baseball.

While I’m thinking about it, I wonder how Cliff feels about MU signing the big Pepsi contract. I can’t even count how many times Cliff complained about the school being a Coke campus or about restaurants almost exclusively serving Coke. If I can guess, he’s sort of happy that Pepsi conquered in the end, but at the same time frustrated since he’s out of school and doesn’t eat on campus anymore. I think it’s sort of the equivalent of Moses being satisfied that the Jews were finally at the Promised Land after 40 crappy years in the desert, but at the same time pissed that he doesn’t get to enjoy the spoils of the Land of Milk and Honey, or in this case, the Campus of Mountain and Dew.

Offense: Great on paper. With Carlos Delgado, Aramis Ramirez, Torii Hunter, Craig Biggio and others, you might expect Cliff’s offense to be good. Unfortunately, besides the dependable Johnny Damon (3.5) and the suddenly unstoppable Jermaine Dye (3.6) and Jimmy Rollins (3.2), his offense guys are having off-years. Grade: C-

Starting Pitching: If you look at Cliff’s roster, it’s odd that almost every one of his guys is somewhere between 29 and 33 years old. I can’t really make a joke about this, because its not Miller’s Diaper Dandy’s or when Tim used to have the 1999 All-Stars…it’s somewhere in between. But it warrants mentioning. Had I wrote this analysis actually during the All-Star break, I would of rated Cliff’s offense higher. But have you SEEN what has happened to him in the last week? His pitching dove from 12.4 (highest in the league) to 11.7 in a blink of an eye. Trevor Hoffman has gotten rocked since Michael Young’s triple in the All-Star game, and can you believe Jason “Not Grand” Marquis’s line the other night??? 5 IP, 14 hits, 12 ER, 2 Walks, 2 K’s and of course, the loss. That’s maybe the worst line in 5 innings I’ve ever seen. Still, Schilling and Doc Halladay are solid. Grade: B- (A solid B+ last week)

Relief Pitching: Derrick Turnbow (6.3) and Trevor Hoffman (8.4) apparently made a suicide pact and both jumped off the cliff at the same time, no pun intended. Grade: C

Intangibles: After having a bad to subpar seasons his first two seasons in the league, could this be Cliff’s Gary Matthews Jr. like breakout? Probably not, but he’s getting closer. Grade: B

Trevor Hoffman and Derrick Turnbow drive off a cliff together...Hmm, sounds familiar.

Second Half Prognosis: 9^th place. Look, from 1^st to 9^th place, it’s a tough decision who is going to finish where. I’m not doing any kind of snazzy statistical analysis here. Just looking at rosters and going with “gut feelings.” And my gut right now says that In-and-Out burger didn’t settle too well and Cliff in 9^th. Don’t ask.

Team: The Yellow Darts- Bryan Ross

Do we really have three Bryans and one Ryan in our league? I miss the late 70’s, early 80’s…it was the calm before the storm of parents coming up with all these fanciful/ridiculous kids names. I think if I ever have kids, I’ll be like a professional athlete and name a son after myself. Is there anything catchier than Ryan Smith Junior? Umm….In fact I think that’s why the Astros are disappointing this year, guys named Lance, Morgan, and Preston. The White Sox have the Joe, Jims, and Jons. It’s worth looking into.

Anyway, I don’t know Bryan Ross, but he looks like a sporting lad from the picture Ed sent me…so I almost wish he’d write a Paul Shirley-esque blog about his Mariners experience. Of course, I have selfish motives in this...I was hoping he’d tell Felix to quit sucking, or at least spread the wisdom of Pat Gillick. Is Pat Gillick even the Mariners GM anymore? Whatever the case, I bet he has tons of pithy sayings that would enrichen all our lives. By the way, the Mariners have been around since the late 70’s, but I can’t think of any that played before 1992 besides Edgar Martinez and Mark Langston. Talk about no tradition.

The Deadly Four Horsemen of the 2005 Mariners. Adrian Beltre (Pestilence), Some black dude with dreads (Famine), Bret Boone (Death) and Richie Sexson (Strikeout).

Offense: You’d think that someone working for the Mariners would do better than having one member of the team, and that one being Adrian “One-Season Wonder” Beltre (2.2). That said, the Darts have some guys having great seasons like Carlos Lee (3.8)(who I should of kept instead of Helton), Paul Konerko (3.5) and Justin “The Island of Dr.” Morneau (3.4). The big holes are at 2^nd base, Jorge Cantu (2.2) just CAN’T DO! Haha, I’m hilarious. Right.) and the 3^rd and 4^th outfield spots as much as I’m a fan of saying the name Jacque Jones. Grade: B

Starting Pitching: It really hasn’t been talked about enough how Smoltz after his arm surgeries went from a great starting pitcher, to a dominate closer for two years, back to being a great starting pitcher at age 38! This is why I used to sacrifice cats in John Smoltz’s name as a young, impressionable teen. OK, I didn’t really, but I did joke about it, and maybe that’s just as scary… Chris Young (16.9) seems to be pretty good, but I can’t seem to get over the fact that he shares the name of a lesbian produce clerk I used to work with at Eagle Food Stores. I just can’t. I apologize to the Padres organization, and I take full responsibility, etc. Brian Bannister, who is that? Oh wait, crap, it’s the guy that turns into the Hulk, right? JUST DON’T HOMER OFF HIM! YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE BRIAN BANNISTER MAD! You won’t like Brian Bannister when he’s angry.Grade: B-

Relief Pitching: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Jason Isringhausen, a man who has never been more than mediocre but somehow makes $8 million + a year because he closes for good teams and has a name that sounds like a German car company. Grade: C

Intangibles: Beats me. Grade: N/A

Second Half Prognosis: 8^th Place.

Brian Bannister is so angry, he ripped his Mets uniform right off.

Team Shizzy – Bryan Gower

In my mind, Shizzy looks a lot like this guy.

It was good to see Shizzy win it all, because he’s definitely paid his Midwest Pimps dues. Figuratively and literally. Well, I may have to check with Ed on that. Anyway, even though Trevor Taylor is probably the nicest guy in the world, I sort of felt a tad resentful that he swooped in and won two fantasy seasons in his rookie year. Shizzy is an old skool soldier, and I respect that, yo. At the same time, I hope he doesn’t keep winning because then he’d just become insufferable. Shizzy is eminately more tolerable when he’s the underdog.

Offense: The worst infield in the league, without a question, in the numbers department. On paper, Hank Blalock, Chone Figgins, and Jason Varitek and crew are a good, but their numbers are all sub 3.0. Julio Lugo has a 3.0 average, but he’s still only the 16^th highest shortstop in the league. Vlad is having a quasi down season, but still, did you SEE the home run he hit off Brad Penny in the All-Star game??? That pitch was a fastball about neck level and he took in the other way. Freaking incredible. That guy could homer if I threw a medicine ball at him. Grade: D

Starting Pitching: Arguably the best 1-2-3 top of the rotation with Mussina (20.6), Justin Verlander (19.6), and Carlos Zambrano (18.8)…When Rich Harden comes back, Shizzy may have The Return of the Four Aces. And frankly, I can’t wait. And neither can Shizzy based on his excitable “OMG, ZACH MINER ROCKS!” post from a few weeks ago. Grade: A-

Relief Pitching: If I was just rating Todd Jones’ mustache, there would definitely be am A+ here. Alas! People talked years ago about Tom Gordon being cursed from Stephen King writing “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon” but since 2000, tell me, who has had a better career, Stephen King or Gordon? King is writing crappy “Oh, aren’t I pop culture savvy?” columns for Entertainment Weekly, Gordon is a Top 5 closer. Grade: B

Intangibles: A waiver wire pirate as usual, Shizzy’s plundering of Verlander from Tim’s uh…chests, has paid big dividends. Grade: B+

Second Half Prognosis: 7th Place. I just can’t make myself pick Shizzy in the Top 5 with that kind of offense.

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 12:29 AM

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Midwest Pimps Midseason Analysis 2K6.

Yes, friends, it’s time for another All-Star Break (well, close enough) Analysis. On a side note, never tell a woman you can’t talk because you’re busy writing a midseason fantasy baseball manifesto. Lie if you have to. Just trust me.

Anyway, at this year’s All-Star game, Bud Selig said major league baseball was going through a “New Golden Age.” I was hoping our Midwest Pimps Commissioner Ed Courtney would make a similar grandiose pronouncement from a podium of some sorts for our All-Star Break, because Year Seven of the Pimps has been well-documented as shaping up to be one of the best, if not the best ever. Even if there are rumors that Trotter is on ‘roids. In related news, I met a real pimp in L.A. last week, and he also said this was his best summer ever. OK, not really, but we do have a prostitute that walks our block occasionally. Good times.

Bud Selig is praying for you. Always.

This year has been fascinating because:

-Arguably every team still has a shot at first places and 10 teams have a very good chances as there is less than 300 points separating most teams. Usually, by this team there are three echelons and there is a group of 3 or 4 teams that pull away from the pack. This year, it’s anyone’s ballgame.

-The new owners are quality (Granted, if we couldn’t get quality efforts from an AP sportswriter and someone who actually works for an MLB team, we’d be in huge trouble.)

-I can’t remember a year when so many young pitchers have emerged in the first half. Guys like Verlander, Papelbon, and Liriano are prime examples. On the other hand, this year is also probably the last or next to last for the Old Pitching Posse of Clemens, RJ, Schilling, Maddux, Glavine.

-The Angels beat the Devil…Rays on 6/6/06, And at the end of the game Vladimir Guerrero smote the entire Devil Rays team with his Holy Louisville Slugger....all except for a cowering Rocco Baldelli, who promptly went back on the DL from “emotional suffering.”

-I continue to curse the Cubs. The first time I saw them last year at Busch, Nomar broke his groin (of course, that’s not what TECHNICALLY happened, but it’s much more funny this way) at the plate and he was out for three months. The first time I see the Cubs this year against the Dodgers, D-Lee breaks his wrist running into Furcal. The Cubs haven’t been the same since. It should be also noted that I was almost shot at a Dodgers game this year.

-The home run binge is ridiculous. I about spit out my Dr. Pepper through my nose when I saw the statistic at the All-Star game that Carlos Beltran had 25 home runs and was only SIXTH in the National League in homers. We could potentially have about 20 to 30 guys hit 40 home runs in a season.

Somewhere, Cecil Fielder is crying…but still eating. Definitely still eating.

-The Yankees and Red Sox are good! That’s new, right? Hooray, I never get tired of hearing about those two teams. Someone should alert the media about that.

-Mike Piazza, of course, is still gay. Old, but gay, nonetheless.

Team Name: DJ Hops – Dan Hopkins

My heart stirs when I think upon Dan Hopkins, once a carefree college kid known for his loud, funny, and sometimes inappropriate comments even back in the days of the Todd Hessel-led life group five or six years ago. Flashforward and now Dan is a overworked and underpaid college football assistant coach where loud, funny and sometimes inappropriate comments are encouraged and expected. One of the great mysteries of the universe is how I dated more girls in college than Hopkins even though I have a mere smidgen of the kind of ability he has to sing, dance, and pull off the backwards baseball cap look. Here, here!

The Dan Hopkins High School Doppelganger

Offense: Is it me, or did Dr. Suess once write a book about the curiousities of the Youkilis? Whatever the case, The Youk is living up to his nickname as “The Greek God of Walks” (Moneyball, reference, FYI) and the Greek God of a 3.0 Fantasy Point Average, which isn’t quite as catchy.

Sadly, Dan only has one other player that is over that 3.0 threshold, a man named Soriano (3.5), whose nickname should be “trade rumor.” Dan’s outfield is one of the worst I’ve seen in recent memory. No one is above 2.7, and he’s got Carl “I don’t believe in dinosaurs or taking a pitch” Everett at 1.8 and Matt Murton at 2.0.

Grade: F

Starting Pitching: Inexplicably good starting pitching staff here, despite Ben “Holy” Sheets’s injuries and Mark Buerhle’s recent struggles. Bronson Arroyo (18.7), he of once the worst hair in the Major Leagues, has come back to Earth recently, but he’s still a Top 10 starter. I checked Kenny Rogers’s stats from the last few years, and it’s pretty amazing how underrated he is every year despite shoving cameramen and countless country music hits. How is it that no one has come up with this nickname for the Sabathia –C.C. Pitching Factory! OK, on second thought…. Grade: B+

Relief Pitching: Hey Dan, I know you’re a busy guy and all, so just a little heads up from someone who cares…David Weathers hasn’t been the Reds closer in oh, about a month or so. First, they switched to Kelly Coffey, oops, Todd Coffey, and then they traded for Eddie Guardado, and now he’s the closer. I’m not sure what Weather’s role is now, but I think Adam Dunn may have actually murdered him. Just a tip- K-Rod can’t do everything. Grade: C-

Intangibles: Dan is a hard worker, just not at fantasy baseball. That’s OK, I’m happy to take his 10 bucks.

Second Half Prediction: 12^th Place.

Team: A-Rod – Jeremy Trotter

Even though, he’s in 10^th place right now, Trotter was in first less than a month ago and he’s arguably still a contender. We’re all sort of proud of him in the way everyone was proud of the autistic kid scored 20 points in four minutes of that high school basketball game. Even I also wanted to stab my eyes out after seeing that Bonderman- Podsednik trade with Lutz.

All I know is that L.A. is definitely missing a Trotter-like character. “Trotter Meets L.A.” has to happen someday.

Offense: Look, I have a man crush on Johan Santana and everything, I’ve driven to games to see him play, have purchased multiple Johan related items on the internet, but even I’M a bit creeped out by Trotter’s picture of a shirtless A-Rod for his team picture. It must suck, by the way, to be on pace for roughly 36 homers and 100 RBI’s (3.2 FP/G) and yet still get constantly booed at home. Count me as someone happy to see Peoria, IL., native Jim Thome (3.5) thwacking dongs with regularity (I’m very proud of that phrase too) in Chicago. Anyone else curious as to why Trotter has Brian N. Anderson with a 1.3 average, AKA the 110^th rated outfielder in the league. Yeah, that’s right, a man just passed in total points by Rob Mackoviak and Gabe Gross. Grade: B-

Starting Pitching: I didn’t go to the trouble of calculating this exactly, but I think the average age of Trotter’s pitching staff is 57. Close enough…He’s got R.J., Maddux, and Glavine, and I think Sandy Koufax. I have to admit that it was cool when Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz were all dominating on different teams early in the season, it reminded me of the glory days of 1995 for those guys in a time when “Fantasy” was I word I associated with…uh…Mariah Carey. Sorry, that’s my last Mariah Carey reference.

Is it time yet to change R.J.’s nickname to The Old Wrinkled Unit? Probably not, that would be uncivilized. Grade: C+

Relief Pitching: I think Huston Street was just too good to be true. Smoking hot and smoking hot fastball and closer at age 23. Let’s take it easy, kid. Three shocking words for you: Brian Fuentes Two Time All-Star. I repeat…Two Time All-Star. Grade: C

Intangibles: Improving, but only in the same way that only 10 murders in one day in the Middle East is an improvement. Sorry, was that too harsh? Grade: F+

Second Half Prognosis: 11^th Place

Team In Dusty We Trusty – Jon Heupel

Like last year, it’s probably not a coincidence that Heupel drafted Wood and kept Prior and his team is in next to last place. When you live and die with the Cubs, you live and die with the Cubs. The “curse” continues. On a sidenote, was there anything more bizarre than Jeremy Piven apologizing for yelling “Let’s hug it out, my little bitches!” after singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the 7^th inning stretch at Wrigley last month? I’m not sure what they expected from the guy whose most known from “Entourage” and “PCU.”

What exactly were the Cubs expecting again?

Offense: Besides the Red Sox-Yankees matchup, another thing the media has sorely overlooked is this man named Barry Bonds. I don’t know if you guys have heard of him or anything. But seriously though, as awful as the media claims Bonds is this year because he’s hitting .250-ish, ask Billy Beane how Bonds is doing. His OBP is still over .400 and his current fantasy average is 3.4…the same as Miguel Cabrera. Unfortunately for Heupel, the other half of his lovable steroid-loving duo Gary Sheffield (3.3) is out until August or September and the rest of his OF is thinner than Lindsay Lohan. Sorry, that will also be my last Lindsay Lohan reference. This fantasy baseball analysis was brought to you by US Weekly. Grade: C

Starting Pitching: Just think about how good Heupel’s staff would be with a healthy Prior and Wood. He already has #1 fantasy pitcher Brandon Webb and Chris Carpenter. Again, this is the same things the Cubs say. “Think about how awesome our pitching staff would be with a healthy Wood and Prior.” Freddy Garcia is rapidly going from consistently above average to consistently just average. Grade: B-

Relief Pitching: Speaking of the Cubs, it should be noted that Heupel owns both the current Cubs closer (Ryan Dempster) and the past one (Joe Borowski) and Borowski has outscored Dempster so far this season. Sad times. Can’t say much bad about Mariano Rivera though. Grade: C+

Intangibles: Cubs fans have been grumbling about Heupel’s leadership capabilities and there are rumors that he may be out with Dusty. Grade C-

Second Half Prognosis: 10^th Place

As Jeremy Piven would say...more to come, my little bitches.

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 11:49 PM

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

-Continued because of Blog length issues...

Dr. D'Amico - Ryan Smith

And you were expecting who else? C'mon last year I was in ninth place when I picked myself to finish 2nd. (Though in 2002 I picked myself 4th and I got 4th) So, if I'm in first place at the All-Star break and down in pitching starts, you better believe Im going to pick myself to win it all.
Plus I'm overcoming posts like this from Ed. In the preseason picks...he BARELY picked me over Heupel...and had me losing badly to Lutz.

"This one is pretty tough to call. The thing in D’Amico’s favor is that he has to be feeling some pressure to perform this year. After finishing near the top in baseball, basketball and football for the first years of our fantasy league’s existence, D’Amico’s skills have started to slide, culminating with his 1st to 4th drop in football. He is showing signs of becoming the Quin Snyder of the Midwest Pimps. Unable to deal with the high expectations that came from success in the early 2000’s, he now talks about how he just wants his team to have fun and come together and remember that fantasy sports is a G-A-M-E. Let’s leave those kind of posts to Todd and neo-Todd Trevor. The question is, with his back against the wall, will D’Amico go early-era Quin and lead an underperforming team to the Elite Eight as a 12th seed, or will he go today’s Quin, leading an underperforming team to a first-round loss in the NIT?"

Of course, my team did suck in the beginning. I spent the first two weeks in last place. But then came late April...and I made this post in the rumor mill..

"Guess what kids, I'm passing Ed tonight, and I'm coming for you next, Lutz. Usually my meteoric rise in fantasy baseball happens in August, but this year, it's late April.

My team is juiced, errr.... not in the Barry Bonds way, of course. They've got the Eye of the Tiger.
My team sucked in the first week and a half/two weeks of the season. I had one pitching win out of my first nine starts. Delgado was averaging 1.3 FP, Alou was at 1.9, Brian Roberts and Melvin Mora was below 2.2. Maddux was at -3.5 after two starts. NEGATIVE!
My offense as a whole was stuck at 1.9 to 2.0 range and my pitching was in the 7 range.
At one point, I sunk down to last place for several days. After disappointing finishes in football (I choked) and in basketball (I sucked), doing this poorly in baseball had me questioning my own manhood. Should I retire from fantasy sports? I didn't even have a significant other holding me back.
But then something happened. Something magic.
Moises took me aside in the locker room after going 0-5 with 2K's against the Reds and looked me straight in the eye and said, 'If you don't give up, I won't give up'.
He called over Rondell White, who has been bounced from team to team dealing with underachievement and injuries and this year was exiled to the crappy Detroit Tigers. Rondell brings scrappy teammate Carlos Guillen with him.
'Rondell, it's time', Alou said. And they both stuck their hands out over each other.
In comes, Adrian Beltre who at just 27 years old, seemed to be washed up, resigned to seasons of hitting .240 with 15 home runs.
'ADRIAN!' Moises yelled.
In strolled three Orioles teammates, Melvin Mora, who had about 20 million errors since being moved to third base this season, Brian Roberts, a relative unknown, and the recently waived Jay Gibbons. These Orioles were known as 'The scrubs not named Miguel Tejada, Javy Lopez, or Raphael Palmeiro.'
They also out their hands in the middle of the circle.
They chanted for the 38-year old Greg Maddux, who in the first three starts of the season had been knocked around more than Christina Aguilera. Maddux joined the circle and brought with him unknown Twins closer Joe Nathan.
And finally one last person walked in the room, Armando Benitez, the closer gone bad, who after stellar seasons with the Mets a couple years ago, seemed destined for mediocracy or worse.
Benitez kicked a bucket of gatorade over and then started leading the cheers.
It was a defining moment for this team, and you've seen the results ever since. I moved from 12th place to 8 points out of second. The leader of my team, Benitez leads all players in points, and guys like Alou, Rondell White, and Adrian Beltre leading the charge.
Sure, its a long season, and things can change fast....but i know now that I, and my scrappy team will not give up."

The names have changed somewhat since then, (Wily Mo Pena,, anyone?) but not the results...

Offense: Hands down the deepest offense in the league, and thats even after trading Moises and Luis Gonzalez going down soon. The funny thing is, it wasn't my high draft picks that did it for me this season, it was my low draft picks and waiver wire pickups. Delgado, Bret Boone and until recently Furcal, were bad.
C.H.i.P.S., Brian Roberts, Beltre, and Carlos Guillen were or all valuable members of my team I got from late, late rounds or the wire. Even guys like Melvin Mora and Alou I got in the middle rounds and have played well. Does anyone else know I have 3 3rd basemen with averages over 3.4 FP/G? Why anyone hasn't offered a trade for one of them is beyond me.
My only real hole is 2nd base, where Bret Boone is living up to his "every other year" theory.
Rating: A-

Pitching: Starting pitching is obviously the chink in the armor, and thats why I made a move for Westbrook. One of my few bad decisions this year is spot starting Jon Lieber. He has a 12.6 average and is 7-6 overall, but he has a 3 point average and is 1-5 when I start him. Ouch.
Hopefully Hudson will come back soon, so I can get away from relying on him and David Wells.
On the other hand, why aren't more people talking about Yohan Santana? Santana's had a bigger string of hits than his Rob Thomas/Michelle Branch days. Not convinced? Check out his fantasy points for his last 8 starts: 33, 35, 36, 36, 24, 60, 23, 35....and his strikeout totals, 10, 7, 12, 10, 12, 13, 11, 9. Also note in those two twenty something games he only gave up 2 runs in 8 innings.
All in this game of love.
Example #23945 of the unpredictabilty of closers: I have the best relief pitching in the game and my closers are Armando Benitez and Joe Nathan.

Starting Pitching: B- Relief Pitching: A

Intangibles: I've probably bragged enough already.
Rating: A

2nd Half Prognosis: FIRST PLACE

After five agonizing seasons of being an also ran, its time to taste victory in Fantasy Baseball.

Trevor posts of the year....

This year I have been fortunate enough to have Trotter as my teammate. He has been the perfect ying to my yang. He's agressive, goes with his gut and is bold like a steak that needs no sauce. As for the trade, eh, we might get ripped off, but then again we've got Randy Johnson and Manny Ramirez now, and we weren't going to win with the guys we had and we weren't goign to keep them either. Last year we made similar gambles and I don't think those were quite failures (Vlad, Roy-O, AROD). And I was too tentative to accept the trade. That's where my teammate Trotter picked me up. (Lutz you can picture Trotter and I highfiving right about now in mid-80s basketball uniforms, think TeenWolf, Trotter of course has the rec specs andI have the drenched sweatband). And we were about to trade Soriano and Harden for Kevin Brown and Jason Giambi a week ago, so, eh, we'll call it a wash. But with teams like Smith's, Ed's and Lutz's and Ben's and Tim's and, gulp, Hopkins, we had to make a move to give us a slight chance at finishing higher than 3rd. there is so much more parity thn last year, excpet for Smith who I think could run away with it if because so far some key players on his team have significantly under achieved. And what if Soriano, 3 years older than last year, switches to the outfield. We're screwed. I have the utmost confidence in my HETERO-LIFEMATE Trotter.He's goignt to eb the hardest workign man in fantasy baseball. If you want to criticize someone for the trade or anything else, criticize me. Trotter is going to do a GREAT JOB.

(There is something just poetically ironic about the above post...it makes me smile)

Essentially Trotter takes what I have to say, boils it down into three words and possibly a grunt for emphasis and goes about his business. I on the other hand am long winded, repetitive and meandering. Trotter is like the great general of the Kansas City Braves war machien and I am a loyal PR lacky (and might I add loving every minute of it!). Without Trotter in this league we would risk the MWPL going the way of Men's Pro Tennis. You've got a herd of Pete Sampras clones near the top, a sprinkling of John McEnroe (Lutz) and then you have the second coming of Bobby Riggs in Trotter(minus losing to a girl as an old man). Or if you wanted to take it a step further, Trotter is the Andy Roddick of the MWPL and dare I say The Rock. Otherwise its just Bjorn Borg, Boris Becker and I guess Smith is Agassi like, though I hear his return game is anything but.

I see Shizzy as the Jim Courier of the league. Ed is definetly the Arthur Ashe. Or maybe Ben Heimann is the Courier and then Cliff is the Michael Stich because just like he could only play on clay court Cliff dominant in football but then turns in, lets say some Peter McEnroe performances. Hessel was of course Borg in his silent greatness. I feel Naufel would be the Jimmy Connors. Pete Sampras coudl be any number of MWPLers. Post any other cross-sport comparisons, I would like to see them. I don't know who Dan would be? Anna Kournikova perhaps? And then the Lewtons could be the Willams sisters, Ben being Venus.

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 4:37 PM

Friday, July 09, 2004

Dr. D's Midwest Pimps Midseason Review 2004

-This is the fifth fantasy baseball season for the Midwest Pimps. (Wow, is that right? I just felt a grey hair pop on my head) and it's been a wild and wacky regular season and fantasy season so far, I must say.

What have we learned so far?

-The Cardinals are better than we thought at the beginning of the season. The Royals are not. On a side note, how sad is your team when you are reminescing about your "dream season" of finishing 4 games over .500?

-The Cubs are still waiting to break out. The Astros just may break. Where art thou, Larry Dierker?

-The Brewers and D-Rays are duking it out for the Feel-Good team of the year award.

-The Seattle Mariners 2004 experience is a lot like Cocoon 2.

-We gave the Christian Coalition more convincing evidence against domestic partnerships (The Trevtor Experiment)

-We know that Ryan Lutz has way too much time on his hands.

-Barry Bonds isn't too bad at baseball.

-Sidney Ponson may have had a Cadbury egg too many.

-Shawn Chacon is the Jose Jimenez for the mid-2000's.

-Mike Piazza is still gay.

Team Curt Schilling - Sarkis

I almost feel bad for picking Sarkis last. But not *too* bad, if you know what I mean.
It's sorta like the Royals where you kind of feel bad that they're a second rate franchise that almost always sucks because they have a charming little ballpark in a small market just as Sarkis is a nice enough guy who's slaving away at Wally-World and never seems to finish well in our league.
But in the end, you just get this feeling that with the Royals and with Sarkis, its part misfortune and circumstances and part incompetence to blame for their failings. As the saying goes, "You make your own luck", And also as the saying goes... "You started HOW many outfielders?" Touche.

Offense-
Sarkis's offense actually rocked....in 1999. But Mike Piazza, Ken Griffey Jr., Sammy Sosa and Jeromy Burnitz's best days are behind them, and I'm not sure if David Bell ever had a "best days", but we might assume that it is now with a stunning 2.7 average. Out of his other 1999 All-Stars, the Pride of Peoria Jim Thome is holding up well, and former Rock TV star Jim Edmonds is coming on strong, but it's not enough. Sarkis complains about Troy Glaus getting injured, but it's Troy Glaus. Like I said before make your own luck.
Oh and by the way, Sarkis's starting shortstop is Cesar Izturis. In other words, by the end of the season the rest of his team is bound to stab him in the back in an Ides of March recreation. "Et Tu, Paul Konerko?"
Rating: D+ (1999 rating A-)

Pitching-
Sarkis is still desperately clinging to his critic defying early drafting of Curt Schilling a few years ago as his coup de grace. It sure was a good pick. Yep. Like Two years ago. Tick. Hmm. Tock.
The rest of his pitching staff is pretty uninspiring - Esteban Loaiza's 15 minutes are about up (it was a joke that he went to All-Star game), Jarrod Washburn is maddingly inconsistant, Al Leiter I don't think has struck out anyone in 2 years, and Russ Ortiz just bothers me -something with that Braves turtleneck and his double chin. Watch him sometime, you'll see. The relieving core of Matt Herges and Danny Graves is pretty medicore also. Anyone else notice Graves has 7 blown saves? Graves is going down with the Reds pennant hopes.
Starting pitching: C- Relief pitching: C

Intangibles-
Starting only three outfielders half of the season and making no trades and few significant waiver wire moves won't raise the grade any.
Rating: F

2nd Half Prognosis: 12th place
-Sarkis should change his team name to: "Curt Schilling and the 1999 All-Stars"

Team: I Hate Jimy Williams - Tim

The good news is that Tim may temporarily buck the “Ed Theory” which states that “Once you get married, you begin to suck at fantasy sports”. The bad news is that in baseball, it would be near impossible to suck worse.

Offense: There's a lot of speed here with Ichiro, Juan Uribe, Carl Crawford, Chone Figgins, Beltran, and some very cool names, but only Beltran and maybe Crawford's actual fantasy performance stands out. (Tim knows we're not playing rotisserie right?)
There's also some overrated or underachieving sluggers: Bernie Williams, Adam Dunn, Nomar. Ryan Klesko. Throw in a washed up Edgardo Alfonzo, Jeff Bagwell and Juan Gonzalez and you have part 2 of Sarkis's 1999 All-Stars.
Rating: D+

Pitching: Through a mysterious science experiment Tim suddenly became Bryan Miller when picking his pitching staff. But his Barely Legal staff of Josh Beckett, Brett Myers, Brandon Webb, and Zack Grienke have gotten slammed so far this year, and perhaps it's time Tim ship them off to the proverbial military school to help them grow up a little.
Tim also shipped the preimiere closer of the league in Gagne to Ed and now has average to better than average closers in Lidge and "Double-U".
Starting Pitching: F+ Relief pitching: B

Intangibles: It should be noted that Tim not only dropped Chris Carpenter (who was 20+ FP/G before his last start) after a win, but he also dropped David Wells (who since has averaged 19 FP/G on my team) and possible 2nd half breakout candidate Morgan Ensberg. Ouch.
Rating: F

2nd Half Prognosis: 11th place
Ding Dong! Tim's getting married during the home stretch. Welcome to the fantasy cellar!

Tim should change his team name to: "Here Sara, You Take It"

Team: In Dusty We Trusty- Jon Heupel

For the last two seasons, Heupel managed his team like Phil Jackson coached the Lakers this season. Which is to say...not much. (If you watched the Finals especially, you know what I mean) Both Jon and Phil won a championship two years ago, and both seemed to mail it in for the next two seasons. Both had good "keepers" Bonds/Rolen, Sheffield, Mark Prior and Kobe and Shaq, and surrounded them with subpar supporting casts.
Of course, Heupel and Phil Jackson may have somewhat legit reasons for slacking.. Heupel with working 18 hour days at his Office Space like corporate job and his demanding girlfriend and Phil Jackson having to juggle the egos of Shaq, Kobe, and GP and keep his sanity.
So, its with some amount of satisfaction to see Heupel doing more managing this season. Keep it up, big guy,

Offense: Heupel's always had the Big Guns on offense, and this year is no exception. Sheff, Frank Thomas, Scott Rolen, etc. etc. In fact, with Frank Thomas in the lineup, he only has two sub 3.0 guys in the lineup. Jack Wilson and Darin Erstad are the only holes in the lineup right now, and those aren't terrible holes.
Oh and how about Johnny Damon right now. He showed up to spring training with the Sox sporting a Jesus-esque full beard and a scruffy shoulder length mane of dark hair, shaved the beard in May, but now its back and Damon IS ON FIRE!
Yes, he's been mocked in the media as the “Unfrozen Caveman”, he’s been teasingly labelled “Johnny the Baptist”, but some of us see unkempt Red Sox center fielder for what he truly is- a hero.
Rating: A

Pitching: Possibly one of the worst first half pitching performances in Midwest Pimps history. Just murderous. Consider the fact that in May, Heupel's rotation consisted of Hideo "I Got" Nomo who has get this, 38 fantasy points for the season, Jose Acevedo, Victor Zambrano, and Carlos Silva. Granted not having Prior for two months definately hurts, but 8.5 FP/G for your pitching staff? Really? Am I reading that right? And don't get me started on the bullpen. It's looking a lot better now, but last month it was Daenys Baez, Rocky Biddle and Jorge Julio. The Third Amigos...of suck.
Rating: F

Intangibles: Looking better than in the last couple years, but still not at peak 2001 level. He hasn't pulled off any good trades for starting pitching, but made some nice waiver moves to get good closers. The jury is still out.
Rating: C

Second Half Prognosis: 10th place
I have a feeling Heupel will drag himself out of the cellar and nose out Tim for 10th. And 10th always feels better if you're in last most of the season.

Heupel should change his team name to: - "In Awful Pitching We Trusty"

Team: Wheatland NWA- Cliff Lewton

Well, now that I don't live with Cliff anymore.. (we moved out and went our seperate ways a few weeks ago) I can feel free to take shots at his fantasy team. But sadly there isn't a whole lots to say except that most of the team is old, REALLY OLD. In fact, I don't know who is older, the Supreme Court or Cliff's team. Lets see... I count one guy over 40 (Jamie Moyer), 4 guys really close to 40 (Tom Glavine, Craig Biggio, Kenny Rogers, Omar Vizquel), and lots of other guys in their early to mid 30's. Somewhere Bryan Miller is crying. Loudly.

Offense: For the second year in a row, I dropped a guy at the beginning of the season (Marcus Giles last year, now Vinny Castilla) who ends up having a career year on Cliff's team. Glad I could be of service. Was anyone else as shocked as I was to find out that Lew Ford is white? I'm still in shock. I dunno, for the most part no one on Cliff's offense is having a remarkable year.
I will admit though, that I gained a ton of respect for Derek Jeter after his face-breaking dive into the stands for the catch against the Red Sox. With a few exceptions, I dont know many players who would try that kind of stunt, much less a pretty-boy Yankee whose won championships already in a REGULAR SEASON GAME. Craziness.
Rating: C-

Pitching: Another aging mediocre staff filled with guys who are either surprises (Tom Glavine, Jason Marquis, Kenny Rogers) or disappointments (Randy Wolf, Woody Williams, Andy Pettitte). My favorite is Horacio Ramirez, who couldn't buy a win earlier this season before he got hurt. Watching him give up 1 earned run but 7 unearned in 2 innings because of 7 Braves errors (3 by Mark DeRosa) was one of the highlights of the year. The relief pitching has been solid, however.
Starting pitching: C- Relief pitching: B

Intangibles: Cliff's still in just his second year but he's usually good at waiver wire pickups. He's made a couple of decent if unspectacular trades. It seems like in fantasy sports he's either in the top or the bottom of the standings. (Which partly because he intentionally tanks every other fantasy sport).
Rating: B-

Second Half Prognosis: 9th Place
I'm taking a risk here since Cliff could still intentionally tank, though I hope not since we put some measures in that will guard against that. Cliff's team looks OK, with some guys due to have a good 2nd half (Clement, GIles brothers) and others to go back down to earth (Kenny Rogers, Lew Ford, Francisco Cordero)

Cliff should change his team name to "The Wheatland NWAARP"

Team: Termites -Ben Heimann

Ben Heimann spoke at the Rock last Saturday night which begged two questions.
1. Are they now just picking speakers by drawing names out of a hat?
2. Why didn't he have the church pray for his starting pitching?
Both questions are mysteries, but the biggest mystery is how Heimann's team will finish in the standings. It's hard to predict at the point.

Offense: Did anyone else realize that the Cleveland Indians somehow had 5 All-Stars this year? That's quite a lot for a team skating around the .500 mark and hasn't been good since Juan Gonzalez had a back. But possibly the most deserving of them was Victor Martinez, who is second only to Pudge in catcher fantasy points. But unfortunately for Heimann, he doesnt have much else production besides Miguel "Even though I won the HR derby and broke the record I was still overshadowed" Tejada and Steve Finley. On the plus side, Luis Castillo, Chipper Jones and Preston Wilson may have much better 2nd halves.
Rating: C-

Pitching: Besides Vic Martinez and Tejada, Heimann's only other All-Star is Ted Lilly. Yes, that is not a misprint, Ted Lilly. That's how sad the Blue Jays were in the first half. It doesn't really say much for Heimann's starting rotation either. Kerry Wood's great when healthy, but he missed over a month and it hurt Heimann. Eric Milton is all smoke and mirrors, without those 2 billion runs of support, he'd be a 10 FP/G pitcher. Kevin Millwood, hah. The Braves are looking smarter all the time for the C.H.i.P's deal.
Heimann's money is in the relieving. Billy "Call me Mike" Wagner and Mariano Rivera have been the anchors of his team.
Starting Pitching D+ Relief pitching: A-

Intangibles: Sometimes its easy to forget Heimann's in the league. He and Miller combine for about 3 posts a season, and he rarely makes trades. On the other hand, he doesn't do anything stupid and he had a decent draft.
Rating: C

2nd Half Prognosis: 8th place
If Wood, Wade Miller, Derrek Lee, Chipper and Preston turn it on in the second half, Heimann could finish as high as 4th or 5th. There's a lot of question marks.

Heimann should change the name of his team to: "Termite Infested Kerry Wood" (sorry, that's all I got right now)

Team: "Miller's Thrillers" - Bryan Miller

I give Miller props to sticking to his guns..and by that I mean Young Guns. Every year you look at his team and it feels like a rebuilding project..its all young guys and sleepers. The problem is that while some of them return on their upppppside, others fare far worse. But hey, it's Miller's thang and we love him for it.

Offense: Typically Miller's achilles heel, and this year is no exception. He's got a ton of 2.8 and 2.9ish starters. That's OK when you got some superstars, but his #1 guy is Hank Blalock at 3.2, and Teixeira at 3.3 (but who was out awhile). The rest are typical Miller hit-or-miss under 26 guys..Eric Brynes, Cabrera, Rocco Baldelli, Jose Reyes.
Rating: D-

Pitching: Miller's got his stable of young keeper studs in Mulder, who's been great, Halladay, who's been OK, and Zito, who's sucked. And he also has a suddenly dominating Ben Sheets and rising Jake Peavy to make up arguably the best starting rotation in the league. Relieving-wise Miller is pretty average...Keith Foulke never gets save opportunities because the Red Sox either lose or win by like 20, and Danys Baez...is just there. Jason Frasor warrants watching in the second half.

Starting Pitching: A- Relief pitching: C-

Intangibles: In the past few years Miller's been pretty notably stingy with trades...though I hear he may have a blockbuster in the works with Tim for Beltran. He does a fairly good job at the waiver wire most of the time, but he has a tendancy to leave huge holes in his offense.
Rating: C-

Second Half Prognosis: 7th place

Once again Miller has dark horse potential to be higher in the standings, depending on the ebbs and flows of his young players. But I've been burned in the past for picking Miller too high, and I wont make the same mistake this year.

Miller should change the name of his team to: "Miller's AAA Thrillers"

I'm running out of steam here.... this is the first time I've tried to talk about all 12 teams before, and its starting to feel like work. But I'll try to soldier on as much as I can.

Team: "Welcome Home Vlad" (BTW, changing your entire team name in the middle of the season should be illegal..annoys me to no end). Fo Shizzy aka Bryan Gower.

So, I starting picking the standings last week. A week later, I honestly just looked at his roster and thought...why did I pick him 6th again? Maybe its because I made the predictions before the crazy mind-bending 10 player+ draft pick trade, I dunno. I'd go back and look at his old roster, but frankily, I don't care enough to.

All I know is...

Offense: ...Shizzy's infield is Jason Varitek, David Ortiz, Mark Bellhorn, Julio Lugo and Shea Hillenbrand. In other words, three Red Sox and one former Red Sox not named Manny, Nomar, or Johnny Damon. That is not the makings of a championship team, friends. The outfield is actually one of the best in the league with Jose Guillen, Vlad, and Drew, but man is that infield brutal.
Rating: C+

Pitching: I remember the good ol' days of the "Four Aces". But now Shizzy is going the way of Miller and Tim by trading guys like Mussina and Colon for Diaper Dandy pitchers, but besides Zambrano and possibly Pavano...theres not much interesting here. Dontrelle's flash in the pan number was up sometime in September last year. Once people began to figure out the funk, he's been wildly inconsistant since. Also overrated is Rich Harden, who if he came up through ..say the Pirates farm system, would be just another young pitcher who started out hot when he came up from the minors last year.
But he's on the A's, which makes him gold because he's associated with Hudson, Zito and Mulder.
The rest of the staff is interchangable parts... Burnett, Westbrook, Jaret Wright, Cabrera, Lidle. Blah.
Dan Kolb is someone you see walking down the street and you can say.."Ya know, he looks like a major league baseball player".

Starting Pitching: D Relief Pitching: B

Intangibles: I can't figure out what Shizzy's plan is. To rebuild and go for keepers down a whole 350 points from 1st at the All-Star break with young overrated pitchers? Nonetheless, he's got a proven track record...of finishing somewhere in the middle.
Rating: C

2nd Half Prognosis:
As I said before I don't know what I was thinking picking Shizzy sixth. Finishing this high is possible, but 7th or 8th is more likely.

Shizzy should change his team name to: "The Fleecing of the Four Aces"

Team: KC Braves - Trevor and Trotter

The Trevtor Experiment probably deserves its own column, but as I'm not getting paid for this, so I'll keep it simple. But if you're like me, you're wondering if this whole thing is going to turn out like the Lakers with the two superstars (although you could argue this is more like Kobe and Medvendko more than Kobe and Shaq) barely co-existing on the same team... the silent treatments, the terse public statements in the rumor mill..the Oswalt trade... Things are going to get ugly folks, and there could be a dismantling after the season. It will be interesting to see how it shakes down....

Offense:

In Trevor's 1 and 1/2 seasons of Midwest Pimps, the crux of his success has been his offense. Well, that and strong relief pitching. While most of the league cuts off left arms and other appendanges for young pitching, Trevor stocks up on the Big Bats and it's a smart way to go.
Now Trotter has sort of convoluted Trevor's theory, and a couple of trades later, the offense doesn't look as strong. But its still in the Top 3 of the league..Here's why:
A-Rod and Manny and Abreu. Vlad is back to Shizzy, but Abreu's overall numbers are actually better fantasy wise. Having 3 guys in the upper 3's/lower 4's stratosphere really bolsters an offense. Throw in Aramis and Matt Lawton at 3.4, and Mark Loretta at an incredible 3.3, and Trevor is like the Yankees of the league. Too bad Jody Gerut and Nick Johnson were such a waste of time. The bench is pretty uninspiring also.
Rating: A

Pitching: Pity Randy Johnson. Not only does he have to deal with a being the only good starter with the Diamondbacks, he now has to suffer the same fate on Trevtor's fantasy team. If I were a sports section headline writer I'd come up with something snappy like "SNAKEBITTEN!" or "SNAKE EYES", to talk about Randy here, but I'm not that clever aka gay.
Anyone else noticed Mark Redman has scored a combined -14 points in his last 4 starts? Wow, Mr. Redman its time to go back to writing contemporary worship songs. (and yes, that was an obscure joke).
And with C.C. now shaky (that guy has pitched a TON of innings for his age, that scares me)that leaves such superstars as John Thomson, Steve Trachsel, and Glendon Rusch to flesh out the rest of the rotation.
The jury is still out on Fat Boy Bartolo, but the best thing we can say about Tim Wakefield is that he is part of arguably one of the greatest moments of Reality TV history as part of Average Joe 2.
I've said so much here, I'll skip the relief pitching.

Starting Pitching: D+ Relief Pitching: B

Intangibles: How do I even begin to rate this since we're talking about two different co-owners who seem to be on the opposite side of the spectrum? It's just too hard to predict whats going to happen with this mess..
Rating: N/A

Second Half Prognosis:

I'm going to go ahead and predict a freefall to 5th place because the pitching, is just not good. If Randy goes down, this team is falling faster than Martha Stewart's stock prices. I think though if Trevor takes over and makes a couple moves, this team can get back into contention into possibly 2nd or 3rd place.

Trevor and Trotter should change the name of their team to "Siegfried and Roy"

Team: DJ Hops - Dan Hopkins

With his team in contention, this is possibly the feel good story of the year. Too bad Dan isn't a very sympathic character. He needs to be a Tobey Maguire type to fully be appreciated as a spunky underdog looking to prove the Doubters wrong. Unfortunately, someone named "DJ Hops" will never be mistaken for Rudy.

Offense: Here's an infield for the ages; Tino Martinez, Raul Ibanez, Orlando Hudson, Jose Valentin, Mike Lowell. On second thought, no, it's not. Throw in an outfield that just has slightly more combined points than the Big Unit, and DJ Hops's offense is the Big Suck.
Throwing out Dave Roberts 3.4 average (he doesn't play everyday so he only has 2 more points than Tino) and Mike Lowell's impressive 3.5 average, there's a lot of junk in the trunk. And while that may be good for freakdancing, it doesn't bode well for Fantasy Baseball.
Rating: F+

Pitching: Night and day from the offense. In fact, Hopkins' team is sort of like a less sexy but better version of Millers team. You got Jason Schmidt straight dominating with a 28.4 average, calling for the second year in a row for most Underrated player in the league award. Roger Clemens, running on his 4th or 5th wind, (By the way, anyone read Gary Sheffield's comments basically accusing Clemens of juicing up? Downright hilarious) even though I was giddy with glee watching him get blowed up at the All-Star game.
Right now Hopkins' 3rd, 4th and 5th starter all are over 16 FP/G, which must make Heupel cry.
Also hooked up to the rejuvenation machine this year is the ageless Buddha like wonder of Jose Mesa.
Starting Pitching: A Relief Pitching: B-

Intangibles: Hopkins isn't nearly as loud in making waiver wire moves or trades in fantasy baseball as he is bustin phat rhymes on the mic, but he quietly has improved and holds his own. He still has a lot to prove down the stretch, to borrow a meaningless phrase from sportscasters.
Rating: C

2nd Half Prognosis: I'll go with a fourth place finish. The pitching is great, but it's not enough to completely carry the team. If Hopkins can make some moves for offense, he has the potential to finish higher, but I don't forsee him going higher than 3rd.

Dan should change the name of his team to: "DJ Hops' Ol Gunslingaz"

Lil Bastards - Ryan Lutz

Lutz, is of course, in France right now, which is fitting since his fantasy team is gay with all of the millions of trades and shady and bizarre moves. Comparing his starting day roster to his present roster just hurts my head...and frankily I don't feel like playing the Six Degrees of Jeff Bagwell game.
Lutz is still the Hardest Working Man in fantasy sports, but in baseball this season that work has reached critical mass...and Lutz's team is threatened to implode on itself. I really have no idea what that means, but it sounded sort of neat.

Offense: Once again, Lutz is "Pujols and Friends" on offense. Hows this for a starting infield: Joe Mauer, Travis Hafner, David Newhan, Tony Womack, Bill Mueller. Need I say more? Even Lutz's outfield has one legit star in Pujols...the closest thing is Aubrey Huff at 3.0. By the way, has anyone else noticed Lutz's strange love for Huff, sort of like Sarkis's former love of Kris Benson? Poor Garrett Anderson, he went from underrated to overrated in a few short months.
Rating: C-

Pitching: Do I rate what Lutz has had for the first half or the pitchers he has now, that is the question. Right now Lutz has a more well-rounded staff than he used to, but not having the Unit hurts. Javier Vazquez has been above average, but hes not significantly better fantasy wise despite going from the Expos to the Yankees. Mussina is a huge question mark right now. Lutz got Oswalt for peanuts, but Oswalt has been inconsistant too.
Thank god I got Shawn Chacon last year instead of this year. Lutz's obsession with Rockies closers (Jose Jimenez anyone?) is inexplicable. I have a feeling John Smoltz is going to dominate in the 2nd half.
Starting Pitching: A- Relief Pitching: C+

Intangibles: Lutz has plenty of uppppside just because of his mad trading skillz, though that Randy Johnson trade was still a bit puzzling. When he mentioned making another trip to Columbia just to make some trades, I almost believed him. In fantasy baseball Lutz is a poor man's Lance Armstrong.
Rating: A-

2nd Half Prognosis: 3rd Place
By the way, Lutz has way too many guys on his team with cutesy trendy 80's and 90's baby names... "A.J, Garrett, Geoff, Trot, Ty,". I had a hard time at first picking between Ed and Lutz for 3rd, but the Gagne trade was an uppercut to Lutz's chin.

Lutz should change his team name to: "Pujols and The Revolving Doors"

Team Randy Johnson - Ed Courtney

I've always sort of considered Ed my chief fantasy rival...just because we're competitive in everything... fantasy sports, tennis, Star Wars epic duels, chess, wearing sexy clothes (made you look), so it's going to be quite a second half. I have a feeling Ed and I will be battling like Yoda and Count Dooku (I am Dooku btw) at the end.

Offense:
While Sarkis's team is full of 1999 All-Stars, Ed's team is the 2002 All-Stars which is...well..considerably better. And if you want reasons why Ed will pass Lutz, here it is...Ed's IF of Craig Wilson, Jason Giambi, Soriano, Renteria, and Eric Chavez vs. Lutz's Joe Mauer, Travis Hafner, David Newhan, Tony Womack, Bill Mueller. And that's not even mentioning Barry Bonds and Berkman. (There needs to be a cheesy buddy cop TV show called "Bonds and Berkman"). It's just too bad the fading Shawn Green has to be involved.
Rating: B+

Pitching:
I just can't, just can't love this pitching staff just because there are three Cardinals (Morris, Carpenter, and Suppan) involved. But as always, much love for The Pedro. Cliff Lee is also bound to fall some. The guy is pretty good, but he's NOT 10-1 good. He just isn't.
Ed's bullpen though is looking way up because of the presence of Gagne. Ed's bullpen was just loathsome in the first half.
Starting Pitching: B Relief Pitching: D

Intangibles: Ed doesn't always win, in fact, he's gone through a pretty long drought now, but he always seems to find his way into the Top echelon of contenders. And thats more than we can say about a lot of the league.
Rating: A-

2nd Half Prognosis: 2nd place...

Ed's team is poised for a big 2nd half, especially offensively... I think it will be a three horse run to the finish, with Ed's team falling somewhere in the middle. And once again we're left to wonder how many titles Ed would of had if he had drafted Randy Johnson many a year ago.

Ed should change his name to "Pedro Martinez" (It's time)

Posted by: Ryan Smith / 2:12 PM