Midwest Pimps Midseason Reviews

Midwest Pimps Midseason Analysis 2K6.




Yes, friends, it’s time for another All-Star Break (well, close enough) Analysis. On a side note, never tell a woman you can’t talk because you’re busy writing a midseason fantasy baseball manifesto. Lie if you have to. Just trust me.

Anyway, at this year’s All-Star game, Bud Selig said major league baseball was going through a “New Golden Age.” I was hoping our Midwest Pimps Commissioner Ed Courtney would make a similar grandiose pronouncement from a podium of some sorts for our All-Star Break, because Year Seven of the Pimps has been well-documented as shaping up to be one of the best, if not the best ever. Even if there are rumors that Trotter is on ‘roids. In related news, I met a real pimp in L.A. last week, and he also said this was his best summer ever. OK, not really, but we do have a prostitute that walks our block occasionally. Good times.

Bud Selig is praying for you. Always.

This year has been fascinating because:

-Arguably every team still has a shot at first places and 10 teams have a very good chances as there is less than 300 points separating most teams. Usually, by this team there are three echelons and there is a group of 3 or 4 teams that pull away from the pack. This year, it’s anyone’s ballgame.

-The new owners are quality (Granted, if we couldn’t get quality efforts from an AP sportswriter and someone who actually works for an MLB team, we’d be in huge trouble.)

-I can’t remember a year when so many young pitchers have emerged in the first half. Guys like Verlander, Papelbon, and Liriano are prime examples. On the other hand, this year is also probably the last or next to last for the Old Pitching Posse of Clemens, RJ, Schilling, Maddux, Glavine.

-The Angels beat the Devil…Rays on 6/6/06, And at the end of the game Vladimir Guerrero smote the entire Devil Rays team with his Holy Louisville Slugger....all except for a cowering Rocco Baldelli, who promptly went back on the DL from “emotional suffering.”

-I continue to curse the Cubs. The first time I saw them last year at Busch, Nomar broke his groin (of course, that’s not what TECHNICALLY happened, but it’s much more funny this way) at the plate and he was out for three months. The first time I see the Cubs this year against the Dodgers, D-Lee breaks his wrist running into Furcal. The Cubs haven’t been the same since. It should be also noted that I was almost shot at a Dodgers game this year.

-The home run binge is ridiculous. I about spit out my Dr. Pepper through my nose when I saw the statistic at the All-Star game that Carlos Beltran had 25 home runs and was only SIXTH in the National League in homers. We could potentially have about 20 to 30 guys hit 40 home runs in a season.

Somewhere, Cecil Fielder is crying…but still eating. Definitely still eating.

-The Yankees and Red Sox are good! That’s new, right? Hooray, I never get tired of hearing about those two teams. Someone should alert the media about that.

-Mike Piazza, of course, is still gay. Old, but gay, nonetheless.

Team Name: DJ Hops – Dan Hopkins

Offense: Is it me, or did Dr. Suess once write a book about the curiousities of the Youkilis? Whatever the case, The Youk is living up to his nickname as “The Greek God of Walks” (Moneyball, reference, FYI) and the Greek God of a 3.0 Fantasy Point Average, which isn’t quite as catchy.

Sadly, Dan only has one other player that is over that 3.0 threshold, a man named Soriano (3.5), whose nickname should be “trade rumor.” Dan’s outfield is one of the worst I’ve seen in recent memory. No one is above 2.7, and he’s got Carl “I don’t believe in dinosaurs or taking a pitch” Everett at 1.8 and Matt Murton at 2.0.

Grade: F

Starting Pitching: Inexplicably good starting pitching staff here, despite Ben “Holy” Sheets’s injuries and Mark Buerhle’s recent struggles. Bronson Arroyo (18.7), he of once the worst hair in the Major Leagues, has come back to Earth recently, but he’s still a Top 10 starter. I checked Kenny Rogers’s stats from the last few years, and it’s pretty amazing how underrated he is every year despite shoving cameramen and countless country music hits. How is it that no one has come up with this nickname for the Sabathia –C.C. Pitching Factory! OK, on second thought…. Grade: B+

Relief Pitching: Hey Dan, I know you’re a busy guy and all, so just a little heads up from someone who cares…David Weathers hasn’t been the Reds closer in oh, about a month or so. First, they switched to Kelly Coffey, oops, Todd Coffey, and then they traded for Eddie Guardado, and now he’s the closer. I’m not sure what Weather’s role is now, but I think Adam Dunn may have actually murdered him. Just a tip- K-Rod can’t do everything. Grade: C-

Intangibles: Dan is a hard worker, just not at fantasy baseball. That’s OK, I’m happy to take his 10 bucks.

Second Half Prediction: 12^th Place.

Team: A-Rod – Jeremy Trotter

Even though, he’s in 10^th place right now, Trotter was in first less than a month ago and he’s arguably still a contender. We’re all sort of proud of him in the way everyone was proud of the autistic kid scored 20 points in four minutes of that high school basketball game. Even I also wanted to stab my eyes out after seeing that Bonderman- Podsednik trade with Lutz.

All I know is that L.A. is definitely missing a Trotter-like character. “Trotter Meets L.A.” has to happen someday.

Offense: Look, I have a man crush on Johan Santana and everything, I’ve driven to games to see him play, have purchased multiple Johan related items on the internet, but even I’M a bit creeped out by Trotter’s picture of a shirtless A-Rod for his team picture. It must suck, by the way, to be on pace for roughly 36 homers and 100 RBI’s (3.2 FP/G) and yet still get constantly booed at home. Count me as someone happy to see Peoria, IL., native Jim Thome (3.5) thwacking dongs with regularity (I’m very proud of that phrase too) in Chicago. Anyone else curious as to why Trotter has Brian N. Anderson with a 1.3 average, AKA the 110^th rated outfielder in the league. Yeah, that’s right, a man just passed in total points by Rob Mackoviak and Gabe Gross. Grade: B-

Starting Pitching: I didn’t go to the trouble of calculating this exactly, but I think the average age of Trotter’s pitching staff is 57. Close enough…He’s got R.J., Maddux, and Glavine, and I think Sandy Koufax. I have to admit that it was cool when Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz were all dominating on different teams early in the season, it reminded me of the glory days of 1995 for those guys in a time when “Fantasy” was I word I associated with…uh…Mariah Carey. Sorry, that’s my last Mariah Carey reference.

Is it time yet to change R.J.’s nickname to The Old Wrinkled Unit? Probably not, that would be uncivilized. Grade: C+

Relief Pitching: I think Huston Street was just too good to be true. Smoking hot and smoking hot fastball and closer at age 23. Let’s take it easy, kid. Three shocking words for you: Brian Fuentes Two Time All-Star. I repeat…Two Time All-Star. Grade: C

Intangibles: Improving, but only in the same way that only 10 murders in one day in the Middle East is an improvement. Sorry, was that too harsh? Grade: F+

Second Half Prognosis: 11^th Place

Team In Dusty We Trusty – Jon Heupel

Like last year, it’s probably not a coincidence that Heupel drafted Wood and kept Prior and his team is in next to last place. When you live and die with the Cubs, you live and die with the Cubs. The “curse” continues. On a sidenote, was there anything more bizarre than Jeremy Piven apologizing for yelling “Let’s hug it out, my little bitches!” after singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the 7^th inning stretch at Wrigley last month? I’m not sure what they expected from the guy whose most known from “Entourage” and “PCU.”

Offense: Besides the Red Sox-Yankees matchup, another thing the media has sorely overlooked is this man named Barry Bonds. I don’t know if you guys have heard of him or anything. But seriously though, as awful as the media claims Bonds is this year because he’s hitting .250-ish, ask Billy Beane how Bonds is doing. His OBP is still over .400 and his current fantasy average is 3.4…the same as Miguel Cabrera. Unfortunately for Heupel, the other half of his lovable steroid-loving duo Gary Sheffield (3.3) is out until August or September and the rest of his OF is thinner than Lindsay Lohan. Sorry, that will also be my last Lindsay Lohan reference. This fantasy baseball analysis was brought to you by US Weekly. Grade: C

Starting Pitching: Just think about how good Heupel’s staff would be with a healthy Prior and Wood. He already has #1 fantasy pitcher Brandon Webb and Chris Carpenter. Again, this is the same things the Cubs say. “Think about how awesome our pitching staff would be with a healthy Wood and Prior.” Freddy Garcia is rapidly going from consistently above average to consistently just average. Grade: B-

Relief Pitching: Speaking of the Cubs, it should be noted that Heupel owns both the current Cubs closer (Ryan Dempster) and the past one (Joe Borowski) and Borowski has outscored Dempster so far this season. Sad times. Can’t say much bad about Mariano Rivera though. Grade: C+

Intangibles: Cubs fans have been grumbling about Heupel’s leadership capabilities and there are rumors that he may be out with Dusty. Grade C-

Second Half Prognosis: 10^th Place

As Jeremy Piven would say...more to come, my little bitches.