Midwest Pimps Midseason Reviews

Note: Yes, I know these are very late. And I wrote some of them 3 weeks ago, and they are outdated. But, c'mon, let's focus on the positives here!

Team Miller’s Thrillers – Brian Miller

Like Shizzy, it was good to see one of the old schoolers breakthrough for the first time. We’d teased Miller for years about his fetish for young sleeper type picks in the draft, but finally the six-year plan worked and Miller launched his way into the top two. A misunderstood genius like Galileo, Miller’s fantasy sports life work is now vindicated! Or is it? The question remains…was Miller a one year wonder or is his devious plan of baseball domination still unfolding? The answer is somewhere in between. Maybe there could be a slow-moving quasi-historical movie about Miller's fantasy strategy...

In this trailer from "The Miller Code," Tom Hanks inspects Miller's fantasy guide and finds the secret 21 and under section, while his girlfriend looks in disgust when she realizes it actually has to do with fantasy baseball.

Offense: Miller’s no man under 30 strategy has worked in the case of Carl Crawford (3.7) who has a great working-class sounding baseball name and in speedy Jose Reyes (3.9) who briefly was the #1 fantasy player in offense before Pujols came back from injury. But besides Miguel Cabrera, the rest are a mixed bag of mostly 2.8 or 2.9 guys. I don’t think anyone has figured out what is wrong with Mark Texiera, most predicted him to hit about a billion home runs this year. Grade: B (Bonus points for having Michael Barrett who punched A.J. in the face during the Cubs biggest highlight of the year. Which is pretty sad.)

OWNED.

Starting Pitching: With Jake Peavy struggling (some have compared him to Mark Prior in more ways than one) it’s almost a one man show with Francisco Liriano. But the secondary savior to Miller recently has been Erik Bedard, who went on a crazy seven game winning streak very soon after I dropped him because his ERA had skyrocketed to almost 6. Unbelievable. Grade: C+

Relief Pitching: Bobby Jenks dominated early but has gotten hit around a bit. The Nationals have been too terrible to give Cordero the kind of save opportunities he had last year. Grade: B-

Intangibles: With five plus years of fantasy experience under his belt, Miller knows what he’s doing by now. Grade: B

Second half prognosis: 6^th Place

Team Randy Johnson – Ed Courtney

Ed is scary right now and here’s why- He always finishes in the top 5, but yet usually spends his summers in the isolated 56K world of the mountains of Colorado where he is usually busy climbing mountains, eating granola, running marathons and finding his inner child. Well, more like watching a lot of DVD’s, but the point is, he has a lot more time to spend with a precious broadband connection this summer.

Offense: The best in the league, and led by a semi-unlikely trio in Travis Hafner, Jason Giambi, and Lance Berkman – three big white dudes who either play DH or probably should. I’m curious as to if Ed has had Berkman logner than any team has had one offensive player. The only one I can think of off-hand is Shizzy with Vlad Guerrero. It’s still hard to believe this Jason Giambi thing, I drafted him last year and he hit like .200, got internal parasites, cancer, beat up by Jason Giambi, and was about as good a hitter as Buster Bluth ala Arrested Development. Then suddenly he comes back last August and dominates. Did he go to a faith healer? Was he faking? Did Billy Beane get rid of his Giambi voodoo doll? The world may never know. Grade: A

Starting Pitching: We knew Pedro was due for some sort of injury or wear and tear at some point. He’s older, has an injury history and he’s just not a big guy. But it’s unfortunate for him that the only other ace in his sleeve is Scott Kazmir…. I like Nate Robertson’s crazy glasses look, he’s sort of a poor man’s Gagne, but he’s not a great #3 option in a rotation. Grade: C-

Relief Pitching: After cycling through Daenys Baez, Jose Valverde, and Royals, yes Royals closer Burgos, all Ed has left on his team is a mediocre Armando Benitez. Grade: D

Intangibles: Ed spent a lot of time earlier this year proving his steady performance in the top 5 in the league. There’s no reason to think that will stop anytime soon. Grade: A

Second Half Prognosis: Fifth Place. The key to this is Pedro. If Pedro gets healthy and returns to form, I could see Ed potentially being a top 3 candidate. If he sucks the rest of the way, I could see Ed falling to 7^th or 8^th place. Since I’m not sure which one will occur, I’ll go the safe route and pick somewhere in between.

Team All The Hoopla – Brandon Hoops

Hoops and I have the common bonds of living together for a summer, being Illinois natives, Cubs and Bears fans and journalists, but unfortunately this connection hasn’t resulted in a trade between us…But believe me, I’ve tried (and I’m guessing so has Lutz).

Offense: Poor D-Lee. It feels like years since his MVP type season last year already. Luckily, even with Lee struggling after coming back from a broken wrist (2.4), Hoops has gotten numbers from some unlikely sources like Michael Cuddyer (2.8), Nick Johnson (3.4), the rejuvenated Edgar Renteria, and Raul Ibanez (3.3), who hasn’t had a great season since his breakout year in 2001 or ’02. We’ll see if this group can keep putting up these numbers down the stretch though, I remain skeptical. Grade: B

Starting Pitching: I applied to be a fantasy writer for the St. Louis Post Dispatch at the beginning of the year…and they asked me to submit a couple of sleepers…Here’s one of the two I wrote:

John Lackey (SP-Angels)

Overshadowed by Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon, John Lackey had a quiet breakout year in 2005, finally fulfilling the promise of his stellar 2002 rookie season. The big 6-foot-6 right-hander may have finished with 14 wins, as many as he won in 2004, but he improved in almost every category, most notably, ERA, home runs allowed, and strikeouts. Still at only 27-years old, Lackey is capable of putting up an even better season in 2006, and he should come cheaper to you than many pitching aces.

So when Lackey struggled at the beginning of the season, I tried really hard to get him. I mean REALLY hard. As in about 15 trade offers from April to June. But Hoops didn’t budge, and ultimately was the benefactor of Lackey’s recent 30 inning scoreless streak. And yes, I’m very upset….Aaron Harang(19.4), who Hoops fiercely defended on the Rumor Mill last month has been a pleasant surprise, as has Ervin Santana (16.6). Joe Blanton has been pretty terrible though, and Hoops doesn’t have much beyond that. Grade: B

Relief Pitching: Inexplicably, Hoops is carrying a stable of five, count ‘em FIVE relief pitchers on his team right now. I’m not sure if it’s because he think he’s got a real baseball team and needs just five SP and several relievers or what. Nathan is a stud, but Hoops also has Guardardo, Jorge Julio, Mike McDougal and Brian Meadows. Sounds like Big Brother: Relief Pitcher Edition. Grade: C

Intangibles: Strong rookie of the year candidate, (or is it Young Pimp of the Year?) He’s active, made some good draft picks, and he has the sweetest jump shot of anyone at the Rock. But is it enough? Grade: B

Second Half Prognosis: Fourth Place. The answer is no.

Team Screwed Inc. Ryan Lutz

I got this picture when I typed "Ryan Lutz" into Google Images. I like it because I think this is like Lutz and his girlfriend Brooke when they found out Nomar went on the D.L.

Still the hardest working man in fantasy sports four years running…Someday I’d like to go back and consult with others and compile a Top 10 most ludicrous Lutz trade offers ever and have David Letterman read them off. To Lutz’s credit, he does offer a decent trade once in awhile, but by now all of us save Trotter are instantly suspicious whenever we get an offer from him. (If Lutz was a fable, he’d be The Boy Who Cried Randy Wolf For A-Rod).
You also may by now think Lutz would be subject to the Girlfriend/Wife rule by now, but then again, this is a guy who made a domestic violence joke in the rumor mill.

Offense: Usually, it’s just Pujols and Posse for Lutz, but this year he lucked out getting the first pick and grabbed #1 3^rd baseman David Wright (3.5), the Comeback Kid Vernon Wells (4.0), The Comeback Older Guy Nomar (3.9), the Irrepressible Ichiro, and others. But what comes up, must come down, and I don’t see Lutz keeping up this pace. Grade: B+

Starting Pitching: Lutz’s offense may have peaked, but I think his starters will be better down the stretch. Oswalt is due for a big second half, reports say he is pissed that the Astros almost traded him for Tejada, (He was pissed enough when he found out who he got traded for by Trotter last year)… You could argue by the way, that Mel Gibson caught more flak for making unfortunate anti-Semite remarks than Brett Myers did for beating up his wife in public. Maybe Mel could make “The Brett Myers Story” for his next movie. Unlike Brett Myers and Mel, Barry Zito’s persona is chilled out, Zen-like, So-Cal nonconformist….How come no one tells me things like Barry Zito and Chris Isaak once played a duet together. I'm always the last to know.

It’s worth mentioning that Lutz plans on keeping Bonderman and Oswalt next season..two guys he got from Trotter for Jody Gerut, Scott Podsednik, and Nick Johnson…I will now kill myself. Grade: B

Relief Pitching: Combine Billy Wagner and Bob Wickman together and you have “Billy Bob Wagman”, which would be a good name for a train robber in Silver Dollar City. It’s thoughts like this that remind me why I’m single. Grade: B-

Intangibles: Combine his Puritan-like work ethic with the Trotter Factor, and you have yourself an A.

Second Half Prognosis: Third Place, (though Lutz will probably try to intentionally tank so he can grab third place).

Team: Dr. D – Ryan Smith

Ed insisted I use this pic circa 1997 of myself...when I was just a young, long-haired spelunker.

Personally, it’s been an odd year for fantasy just because I was physically unable to attend a draft for the first time, (For the record, I would advice everyone to avoid drafting while you’re riding on a bus with only a vague idea of where your stop is. It caused me to draft Daniel Cabrera waaaay too soon. Plus I felt like one of those idiot business guys yelling “Who was just taken?!” in public.)

And if I have a (weak) defense for my drafting of Gagne and Furcal #1 and #2 rounds of the draft, it is thus:

1. I’d been in L.A. for about a month, so I was in full “I Need to Do L.A. Things!” mode so I picked the local guys. For the record, I also regret my other “L.A. experiences” like joining a Mexican street gang, getting slapped by a Scientologist in Hollywood, and getting a tattoo of former Dodgers G.M. Paul Podesta on my ass.
2. For the first two rounds, I was officially on the clock at work, and my desk and monitor faced the office of the head of Human Resources, so I was in full “If I hear a sound from behind me, I have to quickly minimize Sandbox and bring up a window that looks like legit work mode.” MLB.com has an incredible “Boss Button” that if you click, brings up a Word document that looks very official. Looking back, since my old job owes me about two grand, I should of spent that entire day on Rotoworld.
3. I have a soft spot in my heart for Furcal, who like me spent the entire summer of 1999 in Myrtle Beach, S.C., and both moved out to Los Angeles this year, and Gagne who may or may not have taken steroids while being able to pitch 1 billion MPH on every pitch for 3 years.
4. Whatever.

Offense: My offense is sort of like the Memphis Grizzlies, I have a lot of average to above average pieces, which has been good for injury protection, but I’ve definitely been guilty of overmanaging my offense…swapping different people in when they “feel” hot and it’s backfired way more than it’s paid off. I see Manny having a big half, Brian Roberts, the most underrated second baseman in baseball continuing to do well, and a lot of question marks.

On a side note, I could see Manny doing literally almost anything during the All-Star Break, from having a naked motorcycle race in Pittsburgh with Ben Roethlisberger to smoking weed and playing Tony Hawk on Xbox for 48 hours straight (which is what I did at work minus the weed part) I’m willing to believe just about anything. Rating: B

Starting Pitching: The game Johan pitched against the Red Sox in June was incredible….he struck out the first five batters he faced, had 8K’s after three innings, and finished with 14 in seven amazing innings versus one of the best offenses in the league. Even though he didn’t have a stellar July, the love affair continues….I’d never had anyone like Conteras, who had tons of luck to stay undefeated as long as he did. But now that it’s been broken, we’ll see how he pitches the rest of the season. On a side note, does Conteras pitch better or worse now that Castro handed over the reins to his presidency? I could see it both ways….If you’ve watched King Felix his stuff is amazing – his fastball goes 98/99 MPH with movement, but right now he’s mediocre. The kid’s only 20 though, so give him some time, he also has to share a nickname with LeBron James….Pitching line of the year from Daniel Cabrera during a game I started him: 1 hit, 1 ER, 10 K’s, 9 BB’s, 5 IP. That’s being unhittable in a bad way. Grade: B-

Relief Pitching: I’d argue that I had the best first half of relief pitching in the history of our league. (And you could argue that Papelbon’s been the best instant impact waiver wire pickup ever). Unfortunately B.J. Ryan has sucked since the break, but still…the Dynamic Duo of B.J. and the Pap both were sub 1.00 ERA and WHIP, lots of K’s and only 3 blown saves in the first half. At one point they were #2 and #3 pitchers overall in the league. Grade: A

Intangibles: I get downgraded just for living in L.A. It just feels like the right thing to do. Grade: B

Second Half Prognosis: Second Place. In normal circumstances, I’d pick myself first…but I thought I’d be cool to play the “No one respected our team!” card once I win the championship this season….even if it was myself that didn’t respect me. Yeah, I know, confusing.

That would make first place…. TIM ALEXANDER!

Just because.